Sunday, September 2, 2012

Low

I've just had the worst week. It's very hard for me to write this, I guess because so many people read my blog. If you want to skip tale of woe, please do. I just need to vent because I don't have anyone to talk to.

I don't have many close friends (I have around four) it's really hard for me to open up and trust people. The following actions of 'friends' is why I guess I don't open up, because it always just gets thrown back in my face.

Two of my close friends have just given up on me. Apparently I'm 'too hard' to be around. When I get sad I get quiet, I don't know how that can be hard to be around. I rely on my friends to support and cheer me up, because that's what friends are for. I don't expect them to magically pull me out of depression, because that's my job. I need my friends to help me along, take me out places and be with me. Even just being in the presence of my friends can help, just sitting there watching a movie or something.
Apparently this is too hard for them.

On Friday I got a text from my friend, she had proposed to her girlfriend. I congratulated them, I'm glad that they found happiness in each other. Then she invited me over to her house, which was very kind. I couldn't do that though, I've been having problems and they're just not going to disappear. I explained that I was disappointed in her as a friend because she's not there for me. She came back with a long thing about having her own life, and me being hard to be around, and how I had to fight it by myself. Nothing about repairing our friendship.

This send me into a sad spiral, just everything crushes me. All of my fears come back to me, about how I'm not good enough for anyone and how I'm alone. That no one cares about me, that I'm a burden. I had to leave work, because I couldn't stare at the computer screen and fight back tears anymore. I went home and crawled into bed and slept. From 1pm till 7am the next morning. I didn't have the energy to do anything, and that scared me because it hasn't happened to me in a long time. Even worse, I wanted to kill myself. Which REALLY scared me. That has never happened to me, and every time I closed my eyes a different death scene flashed through my mind.
And my friends weren't there. I could be dead, and they wouldn't give a shit. They wouldn't even know because they never contact me, and I no longer go on facebook. There was no one there for me, apart from a guy I work with. I think it's strange how a guy who I don't hang out with often can be the one to care, but it's too hard for my so called friends to call me up and see if I'm alright.
He asked me to call Lifeline (a suicide helpline) or my sister or my dad. I'm so thankful that he was there for me. I know he has so much emotional stuff to deal with in his own life, so it means a lot to me that he reached out.

I know that my friends have lives of their own. But being a friend to someone doesn't mean that you just disappear. I'm always thinking about my friends, everyday. Friendship to me means being there for them, and helping them.
It's SO HARD for me to make friends. I don't think I'm worth it, I don't see anything special about myself that would attract friends. I come off as aloof because I don't want to open myself to a person I don't know yet.

I'm always left out of things my friends do. Dinners, etc. I don't know why. Whenever a friend is missing, I ask where they are and if they want to come. Why doesn't this courtesy apply to me? My friend always posts about how she's home alone and bored. Why not invite me over? I'm only down the road! I loved just sitting with my friends, doing nothing.

I guess this means I've lost two friends, who I thought would be there for me. My best friend, Merissa, is going to move to the UK at the end of the year. That will leave me with only one friend (Dani) but we see each other only once in a while.

Merissa was so good to me yesterday. We were going into Perth for a bit of shopping, but I didn't even think I could put on my clothes and makeup because I was so down. I made it into her car, where I started crying. I don't cry often.
Merissa really cheered me up though, and I'm so thankful for that. I'm not sure where I would be right now.

I chucked on something that made me feel comfortable. Green lipstick!
 
This REALLY made my day. Halloween items at Spotlight. Spotlight is a sewing/craft megastore, we don't many craft stores in Perth and Spotlight is probably the best. I spent like $50, and Halloween instantly puts a smile on my face.
 
I visited my dad and stepmum for fathers day. I got him a Batman card and some chocolate. I also burnt him the last episodes of Game of Thrones. We had pizza for dinner, my whole family was there. I'm so thankful that I have such a cool family, I love my gran the most. She's so funny.
This is a photo of a pink and grey gallah that my dad found on the side of the road. He's a little tame, and he's the now part of my dads birds.
 
I'm REALLY trying to fight this depression. It's just so hard for me sometimes, and I wish I had friends there who wanted to be around me.
I'm looking at some art classes, and I'm looking at some volunteer work. Hopefully I can find some things. I have to learn to be by myself again.

16 comments:

TanteFledermaus said...

I've been in that hole. It sucks down there. I required professionals to get me out.

I'm not a professional, but I'd fully invite you over if you were on my continent, and we could do nothing. My dog would sit on you.

The Professor said...

Oh honey!!! ((((HUGS)))) Gosh dude! I certainly wish you lived closer to me too! We would have you over all the time. Hell, I often think about you and wonder what you're doing and I don't even know you.

I want you to know that I think that you're a fabulous person and that you are very, very special. I adore you, my friend. I really, truly adore you ... and I send that to you with all my love.

Lisa@yourfashion.com.au said...

*hugs* I've had a record number of people tell me they've had suicidal thoughts this year. So you're not alone, even if it feels like that sometimes.

Fair weather friends are really hard to deal with too. :/ It's when you need them the most but some people just aren't built to deal with the down times. It's shitty.

I like you and I *do* live near you. We can totes do coffee, do you live near the city? I was at a total loose end yesterday in the middle of the day - my friends keep moving away too. :/ Also I keep meaning to do breakfast again with my friend Arnold on Saturday mornings at 399. You should come to that. Email me lisa@yourfashion.com.au

Also you should pounce on Futureman to hang with - he's super friendly and has real conversations with people. I think he's much better at it than me, and he almost never hermits and is always happy to hang out. And if you're feeling antisocial he talks enough for 2.

Aaand Boxer and I are still keen for you to DJ at our weekend goth club which fingers crossed should be happening soon! We're meeting with a venue soon. We're hoping to get our DJs involved in other things like door bitching, photography and promotion if you're interested?

Bane said...

I think you're special and worthy and most definitely good enough. So there! ;) You're smart, creative, interesting... just the kind of person I'd like to know.

Depression SUCKS. I could tell you I know how you feel, and I've been through it, and a bunch of other totally unhelpful things. But let me just acknowledge that yes, fighting depression is hard and point out that it takes a strong person to fight it as you do.

Nebel Finsternis Violet said...

God, how I know how you feel and this depression that makes you only want to crawl into bed and do nothing and drawn in your own thoughts. Hate it, hate it when it happens to me.
About friends and people in general. I personally stopped trusting any human being including my family [except my boyfriend who is always there for me] because they bring me down allways. I hate so many times when people dissapointed me that I just stopped hoping someone would do something nice to me, including people I tend to call friends [I have 2]. So, maybe this would help, is to change your perspective on people. Don't trust anyone, sometimes the people close to you. And when they do prove themselves they will surprise you for the better.

By the way, I think you are very special, I would personally like to know you more and if I had the chance I would totally hang out with you! I've been searching for a best friend who likes the same things as I do, founding nothing.
Please don't feel lonely and sad, I know how it is, it's hard, but your happiness means a lot to different people and for me as well.

SkeleDuck said...

I'm right there with you, Natalie. Don't be afraid to open up on here, I for one admire you and know how this feels. I can't remember the last time I went out just for a social reason, just for entertainment, just to get away from things. The friends I grew up with struggle to talk to me these days, I guess because I am indulging my interests and I do find myself depressed. Unconnected though those two points are. At last count, there were three people I had a chance at opening up to as friends. One's an exboyfriend and we can't really go out socially, obviously. The other is getting just as reclusive as me and we struggle to chat about anything. The other one makes me hideously jealous and that stifles me somewhat. I talk to a stray cat, he's my friend.

I don't seem able to replace them, going out on my own is scary. And I knock myself down too, with the exact thoughts you wrote. Makes you wonder exactly who is laughing at our expense, because down here, feeling so damn isolated, it's not fucking funny.

Pulling yourself out of depression is difficult - I was as scared stepping down from the fence I was about to jump as I was ascending it. But we can do it. And help will come from unexpected places - while I was writing my note a stranger passed and told me how beautiful I was. Which was a wonderful change from no phonecalls, no trips out with my peers, workworkwork, sleeping all day because eating isn't worth doing. First time in my life I've been sure that existing was overrated, and I'm still climbing out of it.

Every step I take further away something crops up, and it feels like being alone isn't forever. Colleagues will ask how I am. People at the coffee shop will want to talk about my lovely clothes, or something like that. Maybe they'll never invite me to parties, offer to go shopping with me or ask me over for a film. But I will speak to someone and it won't be trapped inside.

So I'll repeat, don't be afraid to open up here. Post it, maybe delete it if you don't want it to be part of the permanent blog you write (and please don't stop writing it!) but this is your place to speak. You have a right to. Your words, feelings and actions are worth as much as anyone else's and they have value whether positive or negative.

Anyone might say in a moment of disappointment that your depression is affecting them, but you didn't choose to be depressed, you didn't afflict it upon yourself and there's no good reasons to treat it like something you can fold away and put in a drawer. Like a broken leg, you're stuck with it, it has to heal and you're a little stuck in one place if those who care don't help.

You're not a burden. You're doing the hard work with these feelings.

Well, I've probably emptied enough of my feelings here to be unafraid of looking soft. You're not alone, and it's more than a little frustrating that you're on the other side of the world. You seem like the kind of person I'd call first if looking for a friend.

Lady Bethezda @ Bethezdas Preoccupations said...

I'm not as eloquent as many of the other commenters but I still want to reach out to you.
I hope you can talk to a professional about your problems. I'm sure the suicide line could recommend some for you. I'm glad that your co-worker has reached his hand out to you. People and friends come in all packages. :)
I can relate to your feelings about your friends. Before I moved, my friend pool had dwindled down to zero. My best friend since elementary school became a meth head. Other friends drifted away. My other good friend was doing a bunch of stuff and never invited me. I didn't talk to her for a year because she didn't invite me to see the Twilight movie with her and another friend. It seems silly now when I write it but at the time it HURT and I literally did not talk to her until I found out she had a premature baby and was in the hospital! I guess moving helped me because I was forced to go out and meet new people. I know it's the hardest thing in the world but making some new friends sounds in order.
You remind me so much of my sister too so everytime you mention your pain I'm double hurt. She struggled with a lot of the same issues. Recently she got married as she found another weirdo on match.com to share in her weirdness. Does Australia have match.com? I know another gal who met her hubby there too. Not saying that finding a man will solve your problems but it might be a fun way to meet some new people. :)
XOXOXOXO

Eco In Black said...

Everyone has already offered all the advise I would write. I'll just add to the cheerleading.

I think you're great and interesting and an all around good person.

Sarah Silence said...

I know that you don't know me, so my comment might not even be read, but....

I have an anxiety disorder; not the same as depression, but sometimes I have the same symptoms (lying in lethargic state for hours, feeling worthless). I think you've mentioned before that you have started to seek out help, and I don;t know if it is consoling or some sort of meds., but I encourage you to go back to your doctor and discuss these new developments. If you have been put on a medication, it might not be the right one for you. The medication could also be the reason you have had the suicidal thoughts (this happened to me when the doctor tried to use antidepressants for my anxiety, I had never had those thoughts until I took that medicine, and it was VERY scary, particularly as I was alone at the time) I hope this can be of some help to you, and feel free to contact me (my email is in my profile) if you would like. Positive thoughts go out to you.

Courtney Cadaver said...

I think you're very brave to express your feelings on your blog. Fairweather 'friends' suck and it's great that you were honest with her about how you felt because it shows her true colours. It is hard to make new friends... I don't have any advice in regards to that (as I've only had the same three friends for the past decade)but maybe the guy at your work could even make a good friend!

I know I don't know you but you seem like a strong, smart woman and I know you can get through this. Depression is a bitch but there is a light at the end of that tunnel.

p.s -- if I lived on your continent I would totally hang out with you! I am way too socially awkward and would just end up smiling like a dork and hiding behind things

Michelle said...

A lot of 'weird' people have been in the same situation ... in high school I didn't have *any* friends at all, was bullied constantly for being 'weird', and was disowned by my entire family for the same reason.

It gets better. You still have a lot of support, so you should concentrate on appreciating how fabulous these people are, and not give your energy to the others.

Your idea about art classes and volunteer work is an excellent one - once you concentrate on learning new things, you will be attracting new and interesting friends due to your new attitude. I know that sounds hippy-ish, but it really works ;)

You have so many online friends that you can email, Skype, whatever. Just remember that it's quality over quantity - I have *way* more friends online than I do here in Adelaide, and that's fine by me!

Feel free to drop me a line if you want to chat - you remind me of myself at your age ;)

Natalie said...

Thank you everyone for your kind comments, it's strange how people on the other side of the world can be closer friends than people down the street. I really appreciate all of your messages

Crimson said...

Hello, I just subscribed to your blog though I have been reading it off and on for awhile. I am sorry that you are having a difficult time and I want to encourage you to hang in there. You are an inspiration to many alterative/goth people. We have all been where you are now, its part of being human and like many of my fellow bloggers have already stated it does get better. Times like these show you who your real friends are. I have had people who I thought were my friends stop being friends with me (not due to an argument) but because I did not fit their idea of what they expected me to be or due to unresolved insecurities they had with themselves. Take care of yourself and stay strong.

Dani DeathBiscuit said...

;-;

I hope you're doing just fine <3

I always look forward to reading your blog and seeing your outfits!

I know that feeling though. I have bipolar. I know exactly how you feel x sending positivity your way :)

BellaDonna said...

I've said this before, but I'll say it again, just in case you need to hear it. I also have a hard time making friends; I don't know, I guess I'm too picky or something. But I wish we lived closer, so I could get to know you as a friend. You sound like an awesome person!

VN said...

I *just* found your blog via Tess Munster's shout out on Facebook, and love your style.

Then I saw this post, and though we don't know each other either, I have depression and anxiety myself, and have absolutely felt the same way about my friends. I'm grateful for the few I have (I'm also slow to make friends - major trust issues), but damn if depression doesn't make you feel isolated and unworthy at a time when you need people you love around you more than ever. When your friends just don't understand or aren't sure how to act around you when depression strikes, it makes it that much worse. I've been feeling the tugs again lately and am fighting to stay afloat, but - from the other side of the world (Texas) - you are not alone.

Volunteering is something you mentioned that has personally helped me because it takes me out of my own head for a little while, and makes me feel like I can do something valuable for others even when I don't feel worthwhile. Whatever you can do to get through this, I feel for you and hope it gets better soon.

I'll definitely be following you going forward! :)