I don't have many close friends (I have around four) it's really hard for me to open up and trust people. The following actions of 'friends' is why I guess I don't open up, because it always just gets thrown back in my face.
Two of my close friends have just given up on me. Apparently I'm 'too hard' to be around. When I get sad I get quiet, I don't know how that can be hard to be around. I rely on my friends to support and cheer me up, because that's what friends are for. I don't expect them to magically pull me out of depression, because that's my job. I need my friends to help me along, take me out places and be with me. Even just being in the presence of my friends can help, just sitting there watching a movie or something.
Apparently this is too hard for them.
On Friday I got a text from my friend, she had proposed to her girlfriend. I congratulated them, I'm glad that they found happiness in each other. Then she invited me over to her house, which was very kind. I couldn't do that though, I've been having problems and they're just not going to disappear. I explained that I was disappointed in her as a friend because she's not there for me. She came back with a long thing about having her own life, and me being hard to be around, and how I had to fight it by myself. Nothing about repairing our friendship.
This send me into a sad spiral, just everything crushes me. All of my fears come back to me, about how I'm not good enough for anyone and how I'm alone. That no one cares about me, that I'm a burden. I had to leave work, because I couldn't stare at the computer screen and fight back tears anymore. I went home and crawled into bed and slept. From 1pm till 7am the next morning. I didn't have the energy to do anything, and that scared me because it hasn't happened to me in a long time. Even worse, I wanted to kill myself. Which REALLY scared me. That has never happened to me, and every time I closed my eyes a different death scene flashed through my mind.
And my friends weren't there. I could be dead, and they wouldn't give a shit. They wouldn't even know because they never contact me, and I no longer go on facebook. There was no one there for me, apart from a guy I work with. I think it's strange how a guy who I don't hang out with often can be the one to care, but it's too hard for my so called friends to call me up and see if I'm alright.
He asked me to call Lifeline (a suicide helpline) or my sister or my dad. I'm so thankful that he was there for me. I know he has so much emotional stuff to deal with in his own life, so it means a lot to me that he reached out.
I know that my friends have lives of their own. But being a friend to someone doesn't mean that you just disappear. I'm always thinking about my friends, everyday. Friendship to me means being there for them, and helping them.
It's SO HARD for me to make friends. I don't think I'm worth it, I don't see anything special about myself that would attract friends. I come off as aloof because I don't want to open myself to a person I don't know yet.
I'm always left out of things my friends do. Dinners, etc. I don't know why. Whenever a friend is missing, I ask where they are and if they want to come. Why doesn't this courtesy apply to me? My friend always posts about how she's home alone and bored. Why not invite me over? I'm only down the road! I loved just sitting with my friends, doing nothing.
I guess this means I've lost two friends, who I thought would be there for me. My best friend, Merissa, is going to move to the UK at the end of the year. That will leave me with only one friend (Dani) but we see each other only once in a while.
Merissa was so good to me yesterday. We were going into Perth for a bit of shopping, but I didn't even think I could put on my clothes and makeup because I was so down. I made it into her car, where I started crying. I don't cry often.
Merissa really cheered me up though, and I'm so thankful for that. I'm not sure where I would be right now.
I chucked on something that made me feel comfortable. Green lipstick!
This REALLY made my day. Halloween items at Spotlight. Spotlight is a sewing/craft megastore, we don't many craft stores in Perth and Spotlight is probably the best. I spent like $50, and Halloween instantly puts a smile on my face.
I visited my dad and stepmum for fathers day. I got him a Batman card and some chocolate. I also burnt him the last episodes of Game of Thrones. We had pizza for dinner, my whole family was there. I'm so thankful that I have such a cool family, I love my gran the most. She's so funny.
This is a photo of a pink and grey gallah that my dad found on the side of the road. He's a little tame, and he's the now part of my dads birds.
I'm REALLY trying to fight this depression. It's just so hard for me sometimes, and I wish I had friends there who wanted to be around me.
I'm looking at some art classes, and I'm looking at some volunteer work. Hopefully I can find some things. I have to learn to be by myself again.