Saturday, February 6, 2016

Home Body

Some of you may be wondering why I haven't posted anything since Halloween last October. Quick explanation is I'm constantly depressed, and everything is an effort. You can skip this mopey post if you like.

Long explanation is that last year I was depressed for most of the year. A lot of times I was suicidal. I currently don't have any real life friends, it's been more than a year that someone has contacted me and asked me to go somewhere with them. I have always been the person who organises any outings, so I decided to see how long it took for my friends to organise to see me. The answer is never.
I spent my birthday alone last year.
I have a few bad times where I was afraid I might hurt myself, but there was no one I could talk to or help me. I have been in therapy for a few years, along with medication, but nothing seems to help. I think I'm too broken to fix, and as a result no one wants to be around me.

I do have a lot of friends online, but I know that everyone has their own life and I don't enjoy talking about my problems which can make other people sad.

The bad thing about not going out, is that I don't have any nice outfit posts to show you guys. So I'm sorry about that.


Aji LaStrange said...

I'm the same as you. I have a lot of online friends. But nobody in real life to hang out with. Hopefully, things will pick up for you. *hugs*

The Professor said...

Nats, I've said it once and I'll say it a million times: I'm here for you. I know that we live on the other side of the world from each other, but I think you're just awesome. The world would be a very sad and grey place without you in it, so please don't go anywhere. You can contact me anytime. ANYTIME. Ok? I have no problem listening to you and if that's what you need right now -- no responses, no "advice" -- I can totally do that. I wish I can sit next to you and just hold your hand as you talked, but sitting behind a screen either typing or on Skype will have to do. Hey, let's Skype -- we can have tea together! :D And I'll introduce you to Pumpkin and Moo.

Seriously, reach out. I'm here.

Bane said...
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Ladyfair said...

You are not alone in this! I haven't had friends since high school. That was ten years ago. While I do have a fiance, it doesn't help fill the emotional void left by the loss of my female partners (including one who passed away in my early twenties). I have spent nearly every birthday since then alone, and although I appreciate my man's efforts it feels cripplingly depressing that I'm not out living it up like other women my age.

I feel very abnormal. I almost never went out last year. Recently I've been making the effort to go to events, even if I'm on my own. I feel silly but at least I'm trying to socialize, that's gotta count for something. I have struggled on and off with depression for years. I sometimes just lay in bed and wait for life to pass me by, especially since I've been battling an undiagnosed illness for nearly a month.

I'm glad you've talked to a professional, that's good, and some people find medication helps. I would encourage you to get out and do random stuff (museums and such), but provided it's in good time and when you feel up to it. If you have group counselling available in your city it helps too, because you get to meet people who share your experiences and won't be put off by your own struggles with depression.

Overcoming this problem isn't going to be quick and easy. I feel a lot better than I did seven years ago, but I still relapse until bouts of depression. All you can do is try to find self motivation. Make art or music, create things, go and talk to people even if it's just a casual exchange in a coffee shop or at a library. Every little bit helps.

Insomniac's Attic said...

I don't know what to say, Natalie. I feel sad, then mad, then sad again that your 'friends' haven't gotten in touch with you in over a year. I realize that talking to someone who's over twice your age probably isn't at all helpful, but you know you can always msg me whenever you feel like chatting. I'd offer to Skype like Franny, but I know I'd freeze ... I can't even Skype with my sister-in-law! Messenger though - whole other story - can't shut me up. Has your pillow arrived yet? :)

Maria Alexander said...

Sorry to tell you this Natalie, as it won´t be much optimistic, but people, acquaintances and even those I call friends never contact me. If it weren´t for the parties and gigs I am constantly going to, I would never be seeing them at all. One of my biggest wishes is to have a squad of friends to have adventures with. That has never happened yet. So don´t think you are alone with this issue. I guess this is a thing that just happens.
I don´t know what else to say to cheer you up, but I remember you as a lovely person with whom I had many things in common, and talking to you was great! Sending you my love.

Courtney Cadaver said...

I know how you feel. I try starting blogs but never end up posting because of my depression. I made one goth friend but I moved 500kms away from her and now I'm alone in a big city. It can be rough. It's hard but please, if you feel like you might hurt yourself, go to an emergency room before you do anything.

I have bipolar and I'm always changing meds and doses to find what works for me. Maybe you just need to find the right combination that works for you! Don't ever think that you're broken. You're a lovely person and there are people that would love to hang out with you! I love your blog and all of your posts but please don't feel obligated to post when you're feeling unwell. Taking care of yourself is what matters most!